Harriet Miers: The Grand Delusion

Another comical episode from my distorted imagination:

Imagine the scene: President Bush meets with Conservatives that oppose his selection of Harriet Miers as Supreme Court Justice.

Bush: I know what you guys keep saying, that I promised you that I would nominate judges like Thomas and Scalia. First of all, I don't recall that I promised you a rose garden, or maybe I did? Hee, hee. Uh, well.

I believe that Harriet Miers is our rose garden, yeah. She is a fresh bloom of hope and promise for us. As a woman, she would give SCOTUS that added dimension that only a woman can give, a woman with such beauty as Ms. Miers can offer.

What you see as thorns, all that talk that she has no stance on anything and no credentials, uh, and what you consider no experience, those are the thorns of our opponents, not us. You know we are not evil. Our roses have no thorns, you see, only terrorists have thorns. Hee, hee. And, you know, our other opponents, those pro-Constitution liberals and half-hearted conservatives, they have roses with thorns, too. You see, ah, they want to take away our right to interrogate military prisoners the way we want. And you know, I will veto their attempts. I will always work to be a thorn in their sides, hee, hee.

And that is why I am nominating Harriet Miers. She will help to continue to make sure that our rights as conservatives are not taken away. She is loyal to me, so I know that she will make sure that we can do what we want. You see, if she's loyal to me, she's loyal to my buddies, too. You know buddies have to stick together. I stick up for my friends, and so will Harriet. She'll stick up for you, too.

Harriet Miers, well, she's a person of faith. She is a religious person. Uh, she has impeccable beliefs that, uh, make her a strong person of character. . . You see... uh, she's got faith in me. She's faithfully stuck up for me as my personal attorney for many years now. She knows who she's dealing with, and she shows great respect for her faith. And, you know, I respect her for that.

Harriet, sweet Harriet . . . lol just had to do that.

Really, Harriet is also very domestically inclined. What I'm trying to say, is that she cleans house well. She can make a house very neat and presentable, and she can make people feel comfortable in whatever mess we tend to make, if you know what I mean. She did a great job helping me to convey that I served our country with honor in the Alabama National Guard, remember that? Like I said, she's loyal to me. And, you know, I stick up for my friends. So, if you have any house cleaning to do, you gotta trust me on this one. Harriet, she's a great house cleaner. She's great about cleaning those closets where those evil liberals might find nasty cob-webs, and she can clear away rotting skeletons in your closet like nobody's business.

Really, you gotta trust me on this one. I cannot say enough of her potential to clean house when she becomes a justice. Really, I can't. She will be better than those other possible nominees. Those other nominees might just sweep all the dirt under the rug, but not my Harriet. Nooooo, way. She will get rid of it, once and for all, if you know what I mean. And, I think you guys know better than anyone else. Ok, I admit Cheney probably knows more than anyone here, about the mountains of dirt we need to clean up. She's got experience in this, and just trust me. Consider me her greatest reference.

Look, let's get serious here. If we don't get someone to clean up after us, there's gonna be hell to pay, and it's not like getting grounded by your mama for not cleaning up your room. We will go through the ringer. Pardons do little to clean up, once the dirt is exposed. No one will protect our rights to do whatever we want, and they'll be throwing around silly laws that they say are backed by the Constitution. Right, Cheney?

Listen, there's not bad about the Constitution, that we can't fix. And that is why we need Harriet Miers in one of those black robes. Even though she doesn't have a lot of experience in fixing things, I think she will do a fine job. Things just don't fix themselves all by themselves. We got a lot of fixin' to do. And Harriet Miers is the woman for the job.

If you don't vote for Harriet to wear that black robe, then it's not just your political future at stake here, right Cheney? No, it's our rights as conservatives to serve our country as we see fit that is at stake. But, don't get me wrong. If we don't get Harriet in SCOTUS, you can guarantee that your future, and our future is bleak at best. John Roberts will help us, but he's no Harriet Miers. Harriet can make magic. We need her in a black robe. Trust me.