Christmas Day Worship--Who do you worship?

Several Megachurches are closing for Christmas Day, which is celebrated on a Sunday this year. Hardly unanticipated, since we learned from the Harper's Magazine article that many Christians in the United States don't know the facts about their faith, anyway.

Imagine this, a news reporter asking the questions that count to one of the leaders of a Megachurch that will be closed on Christmas Day.

R: Don't you think closing your Megachurch on Christmas Day is in a way ignoring the true reason for the celebration?

Megaleader: We MegaChristians can celebrate Christmas anywhere and everywhere. We are a versatile bunch, because we know Jesus is all around us.

R: Jesus was all around the pharisees and hypocrites of his day, too, but that didn't stop them from ignoring and neglecting his message. What makes your church any different?

Megaleader: We are not stuck on man-made traditions, like doing traditional worship services that involve rituals and wine and half-baked wafers. We're not hip on all that structured worship. We MegaChristians like to do things that do something for us. Our worship services are non-traditional, and we like to read specific verses and see how we can apply them to our own circumstances. It's so hard to figure out those verses when you have to read the whole Bible. We are in the here and now. We just want to hear what we want to hear now. I guess we are traditional only in the sense that we open the same Bible that our Protestant brethren open.

R: Traditionally, Christians, Protestants, Catholic, and even your Megachurch offers worship services on Sundays. Why stop the worship on Sunday, December 25th?

Megaleader: Like I said, we are not stuck on man-made traditions, like going to church and worshipping God on a day when your supposed to be at home with family.

R: What about those less fortunate who don't have a family to celebrate Christmas with, or those who are seeking the true meaning of season on Christmas Day?

Megaleader: Well, those folks already have the Salvation Army and those, what are they called? Soup kitchens, yeah. We donate money to them causes, you know.

R: So, if I hear you correctly, you're saying that your Megachurch doesn't feel obligated to reach out to the least of these on Christmas Day.

Megaleader: Well, we have presents at home waiting for us to open. That's important, too. You know Jesus never went to a soup kitchen when he was on this earth, so I reckon it's not a big deal. And, really, our Megachurch isn't geared toward those who don't have much money. So, it seems kind of a waste of our time to open our doors on a day when much of our church would rather spent our time showering our families in lavish, expensive gifts, enjoying fine liquors, and eating too much deliciously exquisite foods. That's what it's all about, anyway.

R: If that's your Megachurch's way to celebrate the birth of Christ, then what really is the focus of your Megachurch? Who do you worship on Christmas Day?

Megaleader: Great question. You know, times are changing. People just aren't attracted to the old way of giving worship and adoration to something so intangible and ambiguous as God. They want to get something out of it. We are like a self-help book in Megachurch form for these people. When our people leave church, they feel uplifted. MegaChristians' lives have such bright futures that sometimes they do not see the faint light of God. That's where we come in. We've got these great plexiglass magnifying glasses, that we call plexi-magnifying glasses, that go well with our plexiglass pulpit, that help focus our worship. We even have this great lotion to rub on the plexiglass to buff out the many scratches that get on our plexi-magnifying glasses. The view from the plexi-magnifying glass is never quite the same from worship service to worship service, but everyone just loves to worship with us.

R: Speaking of worship, you haven't answered my second question, yet. Who do you worship on Christmas Day?

Megaleader: Didn't you get our press release? We don't worship on Christmas Day.