Just a Little Bit of Understanding...

You don't have to walk in my shoes to understand me. You don't have to shadow me to see the light in my eyes. Sometimes you just need to know that I am not you. And know that is okay. We can see and enjoy each other's strengths together. We can bounce off of our weaknesses together and become stronger. Just know that I see our existence from different eyes than you. It's just a perspective.

I spent much of yesterday covering the Shamrock pageants, and I began to fully realize my own "Aspie-ness" as I watched the young girls performing their talents on stage. In previous years, I always wondered why I didn't do pageants. I am beautiful. I am talented. What I lacked was confidence to do it. Years of being told I am stupid and ugly have an impact on one's psyche. Sure, if I had been in the "in" crowd and had a shred of dignity I could have been a great pageant queen. That's what I used to think.

Yes, that was part of it, but only the tip of the iceberg. The more I read about Aspergers, the more I am reading about me.

I was the one in school that did want friends. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to enjoy friendship. Friends came, and friends left. There were few close friends. Sometimes it tears me out from the inside that I was never close to anyone. Other times I am thankful that I didn't have friends. I was bullied intensely in a small school. In some ways, it is hard to be friends with someone who called you retarded the day before. I wanted to be liked by others, but it was always an uphill battle. That was my aspie-ness creating that need.

My niche came in high school, as I submerged myself in drawing, and people accepted me and my talent. The great thing about drawing is that I didn't have to face the people who called me stupid, but I could exhibit my talent for them in a relatively safe environment. I could shelter myself in my room drawing for hours on end. That was my aspie-ness fulfilling my need.

As I watched the girls walking down from the stage onto the runway, deep inside I wanted to do that, too. Then, I thought, sure I could do that, but my nerves would have been so intense at that age, and even today. I would have been so worried how others would see me, that I would work myself up and in the end would not be able to focus on my stance and projected confidence to look good. My focus is precious and it is delicate, and can get distracted easily if I don't ignore the distractions around me. That is my aspie-ness creating a need.

I guess that is why I enjoy radio broadcasting. Nice, short blips of focused performance with my voice. I don't have to look 100% completely stunning all day long. I can work by myself and I don't have to deal with the distraction caused by others. That is my aspie-ness fulfilling my need.

I realize that there are things I would love to do. And I realize there's a time and a place for everything. I know that I am different than others, and some things are more difficult for me, while others come easily for me. The more I understand myself, the more courage I begin to develop to do the things I enjoy doing.

I love to cantor at church. I enjoy singing and enjoy sharing my God-given talent to God and my church. I see it as a self-sacrificing gift, instead of a self-serving gift. I cantor because I want to help others sing, too. I look at the crowd in front of me, and I smile at the faces as I sing to God's glory, to encourage those faces to sing with me. We have been blessed way too much to sit in church like a bump on a log. There is not a week that goes by that I don't hear someone tell me how much they enjoy my singing at church, and many times they comment how easy it is for them to sing along with me. That is my aspie-ness fulfilling many needs for me and others.

Yes, I am different than the norm. There's no changing it. I've tried. Acceptance, understanding, and creative thinking goes a long way to utilizing my strengths.

I see it like a box in front of me. I see others walking through the box with ease. I try to walk through the box, but I am blocked. I can't walk through it, no matter how I try to mimic others' pursuit through the box. But, I can walk around it, under it, over it. The goal is to get to the other side of the box, not in the box. Sure, I see others inside the box, but they can get out of the box. At one point, I thought the goal was the inside of the box and I tried to get in. Bad idea. As I can't get through the box, if I got into the box I would be trapped. And I don't like feeling trapped. So, it is sometimes best to avoid the box. The goal, the focus is the other side of the box. And, along the way I meet people who avoid the box, as well. We see those in the box can't see the goal, and aimlessly do their deeds. And that's okay. (I'm sure I will carry this analogy on later...)

So, this is a bit of an epiphany for me. Realizing why I am good at the things I enjoy, and why I would not be good at other things. And realizing that I am not alone.

I had some great aspirations, and I still have aspirations. They've just changed a little.