HAARP: WMD (Weather Makin' Device)

Another "Mid-Day Parody" episode: "HAARP: WMD"

Setting. The Bush Administration, upon receiving word of HAARP, the Weather Makin’ Device (WMD) in Alaska.

Dubya: Hell, why didn’t ya tell me about this machine before? And who the heck programmed that stupid thing. If you’re gonna plan a disaster, you gotta do it when I am NOT on vacation! Like when I’m well rested and ready to take action. Like in September. Comprehendo, amigos?

Rove: I didn’t know about it, either. Had I known, we could have planned for Katrina after this whole kidney stone episode, too.

Dubya: Yeah, what’s up with that, Turd? When I needed you most to put the spin on this Katrina chick, you were laid up in the hospital!

Rove: At least with all the spinning I’ve done the last several years, the doctors were amazed how quickly I could pass those darn stones.

Rumsfeld: Mr. President, ah, the Russians have a WMD, too. And so do the Europeans. My intel tells me that it was either of those two that caused Katrina, not ours.

Dubya: Condi, did you know anything about this?

Rice: Mr. President, ah, well, no.

Dubya: Rummy, why didn’t you tell Condi about these here WMDs? Maybe she could have used her secretary of state sex appeal to gain valuable intel about what Russia or Europe were planning with them. Ya know, that Maddy Albright coulda gotten that intel, and she ain’t purdy at all like you, Condi. Shoot! Do I have to do everything around here?!

Rumsfeld: Ah. Um.

Dubya: Speaking of doing everything myself, I told you guys last month that you needed to send that good-for-nothing longhorn Ofelia to freezer camp, but no. That darn stupid, worthless animal was roaming around my ranch, stinkin’ up the place. I had to go out and kill it myself!

Rumsfeld: Ah, well. Mr. President, we thought you meant that we needed to produce a Hurricane named Ophelia that would putter out on the eastern seaboard.

Dubya: Cryminies, people! What I need now is not some weak weather event, I need something radical. Crypse. Turd Blossom, you got any hair-brained ideas?

Rove: Mr. President, my forte is in spinning, not creating the event.

Dubya: For Pete’s sake! (silence, then the gears start turning, loudly) Hey, Rummy, does that WMD do earthquakes? The west coast needs to know I care. Can we get that Andreas Agassi fault to move or something? Maybe something really castatrophic. Hee, hee. Did I just invent another word again? Hee, hee. Ya know, we need to break in our new FEMA director. I think this would do the trick. Hee, hee, hee.