The Advent of Computers and the "Tubes"

I feel compelled to share this bit of humor with you. I typed it in a forum post discussion on remembering the beginning of the internet, in a humorous context. I hope this will add a bit of a smile to your day.

Yeah, I remember the days of the text only internet.

Oh, you know that reminds me of the first time I saw a computer porn show. Really. Let me take you back. The year was 1985 and I was on my first "date" with this geeky guy, a sort of premonition that I would be destined to love geeky guys. After the homecoming dance, he took me back to his house and it was all dark. 'Pretty sure my parents are upstairs banging away,' he said to me. Great. Then, he said he had to show me something. I'm thinking he's really crazy or really horny. Found out he was both, but that's another story. He took me over to his dad's den and, as we sat in front of the computer, he put a 5 1/4 inch floppy into the drive. 'You gotta see this,' he said. Okay, this better be good, I thought. All of a sudden the drive starts to make this grinding noise, and on the screen it says something like "Oh, baby, yeah. That feels so good." The floppy in the drive starts to make whirling sounds and then more grinding. "C'mon, baby, work it harder," the screen said. More whirling and grinding, and I swear the computer was going to have an orgasm! Either that or it was going to explode! "Oh, Oh, Oh My G-d, Come. Yes! Yes! Yes! Ooooooh! Ohhhhh!" Wow. I don't know if his intention was to turn me on, which it didn't, but I got a great laugh out of that.

You know, I think it was the intention of the designer of the computer and the tubes to make it just a bit suggestive. Think about it. You insert your disk into the drive... and in the old days, disks were huuuuge. 5 1/4 inch was small compared to the 8 inch monsters. It is a bit ironic, too, that they called them floppy disks, because any man who needs viagra would be very pleased if he could be as rigid as a floppy disk. When the 3 1/2 inch floppy came out, it was even more rigid than the 5 1/4, which was great because 5 1/4 inch floppies were just not lasting long in my backpack. Another great internet tool that I miss is being able to "finger" someone online. Kinky, huh? Yeah, I remember posting on the BBS, and if my favorite poster wasn't there, I could "finger" him. It was always fun to get "fingered" online, too. For those who have no idea what online fingering is, I can tell you what it is not: It is not giving someone the online bird, unless after you fingered them you gave them the computer version of the bird; It is not touching the computer screen with your sweaty fingerprints; It is not exploring the inner chasms of the tubes in search of pleasure... Oh, ah, actually, yes that is what it is. Okay, boys and girls, fingering is like ICQ, or instant messaging. Get your mind out of the gutter.

There's some of my odd sit down comedy. My own experiences wrapped in the topic of discussion. If I got you to smile, or even chuckle once or twice, or if you actually learned something, then my typing was not in vain. I kind of think that way about my life, too...